Never promise Pippin a pet!
by Nefertem
Summary: One evening Marry made the mistake to promise Pippin a pet.


Ok...I just had a very bad experience, of which this fanfic is a result.

I wanted to read some Lord of the Rings fanfiction and nearly all stories on the whole first page...I repeat and underline: Nearly all stories on the whole first page where about OCs that practically screamed Mary Sue! As a result I felt the urge to write something about Lord of the Rings that would lift my mood.

Here it is: A short Parody, without any OCs . Enjoy! Un-betaed.

**It's the Huorns fault!**

**Never promise Pippin a pet!**

It had been after Treebeard had told them about the Huorns. At first nothing had seemed wrong, but later, as Merry had tried to sleep, Pippin had asked. "Merry, are you asleep?", came the dreaded question.

Marry had sighed and rolled to the other side. Ignoring Pippin had seemed to be the best solution, because answering him usually meant trouble. But looking back he should have known that it would have been to good to be true, if Pippin had given up after not getting a response.

After about two minutes Pippin had asked again: "Psssst...Merry...are you asleep?"

Merry had desperately attempted to stay asleep, but after the fifth time he had heared: "Psssst...!" he had snapped. " Peregrin Tuk, no-one would be able to sleep, with your constantly asking if they're asleep!"

"You're awake!" his cousin had happily whispered and thus he had changed to the topic that had caused his wakefulness. "I've been thinking." - That had never been a good sign. - „You know I've always wanted a pet? I thought, if even Treebeard has pets...couldn't I get one, too?" Merry had felt a cold shiver run down his spine, but let Pippin continue anyway.

That had been his first mistake.

"Of course not now, with us being here and stuff, but maybe later... ."

At that time Marry had been surprised by the insight of his younger cousin. But looking back, he should have been able to read the signs. Even if all that had occurred to him at that time, had been to ask what kind of pets Pippin had meant, if he was talking about Treebeard. Pippin had crawled over his beddings, to look him in the face with wide, unbelieving eyes. "The Huorns, of course!" he had answered excitedly, as if this had been the most obvious answer in the world. Merry had been too sleepy to correct him.

His second mistake had been to promise Pippin said pet.

"Merry!" Pippin had whispered rather loudly. "Merry! Can I have one, please? Oh please, I've always wanted a pet!"

It hadn't been like Pippin had had the need to ask, as he had already been in his tweens and Merry was, still just his cousin, but in his excitement he hadn't realized. And Merry had never been able to resist these big hobbit eyes. "Ok." Merry had agreed. "We'll get you a pet as soon as all this is solved, _if_ it will be solved."

Merry had meant the whole ring war and had assumed that Pippin would forget about the whole matter, until they were safely back in their hobbit-hole, smoking pipe-weed and talking about their adventures - given that they would survive the war.

He had even been able to smile and to laugh, as Pippin had began to debate with himself, what kind of pet he should get. "Maybe I could get a fluffy rabbit?...Or a cat...no no, better a dog, ferrets are funny, too...maybe I could even get a pony... no definitely a domestic pig! At second thought, mabye not...a canary?"

He had fallen asleep, whilst he had listened to Pippin's chatter and in the morning Pippin hadn't mentioned it again.

Well,...up until now.

Merry felt like banging his head against the nearest, intact wall. Here they where, in the remains of Saruman's former stronghold and Pippin was debating with Treebeard over a small, exceptionally ugly Ork that had survived the recent flooding of Isengard.

They had found _**it**_, whilst searching the ruins for something eatable - for their second breakfast. As they had entered one of the guard houses that had been spared from the flooding they had found _**it**_. _**It**_ had been stuck under a massive looking piece of ceiling, which seemed to have fallen down during the Ent attack. Luckily for the Ork, _**it**_ had been stuck beside the wine barrels, and thus had not died of thirst. Pippin had looked at the Ork with a strange look in his eyes and had run off to fetch Treebeard, as soon as Marry had asked, whether they should put the Ork out of his misery or not. Merry had been left alone to stare at the ugly thing, which had snarled at him in response.

A few minutes later Pippin had come back, Treebeard in tow.

And here they where, in front of the guard house, Treebeard holding the miserable creature in one of his hands.

"_This can't be real. Pippin does NOT want this...this thing as a pet. NO WAY!_" Merry thought.

One could say that he still had some kind of phobia, concerning Orks, after their horror trip with the Uruks. He looked at it. It was not only exceptionally ugly, no, it was also really small for a Ork, had a horrendous scar on it's face and had a bad leg. And it was screaming indignities at the top of it's lungs.

Merry shook his head, but was interrupted by Pippin, calling out to him. "Merry! Tell Treebeard not to kill Bolty! You promised me that I could get a pet! I want him! I want Bolty!" Pippin cried.

Merry nearly choked. Pippin had already named _**it**_!

"Who?"Merry blurted nevertheless.

"Bolty! After the scar on her face, it looks like a lightning bolt!" Pippin explained.

Merry looked at Treebeard, Treebeard looked back, "Merry!" Pippin whined. "I'm MALE!" the Ork screeched in the background. Merry breathed in. Why did he promise Pippin a pet? He made a mental note to refuse Pippin anything he asked for, whilst they were trying to sleep.

"Let _**it**_ down, Treebeard." he said.

Threebeard looked at Pippin pointedly and squeezed the Ork with his hand. "Hu-ommm. If you run ,homm, away, I will ,huummmm, kill you. And ,homm, if you hurt the Hobbits. Ha-rummmm." After this threat he set the Ork in front of Pippin down."You will need a , hu-om, leash." Threebeard said.

A smile spread on Pippin's face. "Yay!" he cheered. "I shall care for you and you will be mine! Hereby I name you Bolty!" Pippin told the shivering Ork and hugged him. Marry could see that the Ork was at least as sick with this situation as he was. And even as the situation was still the same, this thought pleased Merry immensely.

He smirked at the Ork and went back into the guard house, as he had seen a nice peace of rope, sticking out of the remains of the ceiling earlier. He grabbed it and pulled hard, in order to get it out of the wreckage. As he pulled it out, he nodded with satisfaction that it was rough but strong enough not to rip at any desperate attempt to escape. He tied a loop in one end of the rope and went back outside.

Pippin flashed him a smile and took the rope out of his hands. Then he pulled the loop over the Ork's head and adjusted the size. "Perfect!" he exclaimed. "Now we can go and find us our second breakfast!" Pippin skipped away.

The Ork proceeded to glare at Marry, but was painfully interrupted as the rope around this neck tightened with a jerk. Pippin, who was now dragging along a sour looking and struggling Ork, didn't seem to notice.

Marry shook his head and apologized to Threebeard, then he followed the Ork's curses until he had found Pippin again.

Until midday they searched several ruins for food. Well,...Marry did, whilst Pippin tried to teach an unfortunate Ork "Fetch!". Marry purposefully refrained from telling Pippin that your average Ork should be able to understand more complex orders than "Fetch!". He had to admit that it was kind of hilarious to see Pippin act what the Ork was supposed to do, whilst speaking to _**it**_ in a voice that was normally reserved for little children and animals. Pippin only stopped, as Marry found a small barrel of " Old Tobi", the best pipe-weed of the whole Shire. How it had gotten here, they didn't know.

Around two o'clock they had found the kitchen of yet an other guard house- this time near the gates - that contained a decent amount of eatable human food and decided, as Treebeard had asked them to greet he king of Rohan, to spent the rest of day on a pile of stones. The Ork sat on the ground in front them, looking up to Pippin, as the younger Hobbit tried to figure out what kind of food his unfortunate Ork ate. In other words: He threw pieces of food on the ground in front of the his new "pet".

This was how Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli found them a few hours later. Merry had never seen them so shocked.


End file.
